Spirky the Spunky Spirkmeister!
by SpirkTrekker42
Summary: CRACKFIC!  A mysterious being wearing a rainbow shirt appears on the Enterprise and demands that Kirk confess his feelings for Spock or else.  Will Kirk be brave enough to take that chance and risk losing his friendship with the half-Vulcan?  K/S SLASH.


Disclaimer: Star Trek, Kirk, and Spock, are not mine! Spirky the Spunky Spirkmeister, however, is. Heh.

A/N: My sister came up with this idea - I merely turned it into a schmoopy crackfic.

A/N2: I'm getting really excited about the Vegas con! : ) And now, without further ado, I give you…

.~.

_Spirky the Spunky Spirkmeister_

All was well aboard the starship _Enterprise_. The regular bridge crew was at their stations, attending to their duties as they continued to map the stars. Captain Kirk reflexively glanced over at the science station for the millionth time. As usual, the Vulcan who held his affections was hard at work. Jim yawned quietly, trying to conceal the fact that he was ridiculously bored. Command could be a challenge on the days when aliens were attacking, but it was downright dull during star-mappings. Maybe he shouldn't have pissed off Admiral Komack during their last conference call, thus receiving this assignment…

Suddenly, an oddly-dressed man appeared on the bridge out of thin air. His shirt featured a brightly colored rainbow, and emblazoned on the front in large block letters were the words '**TEAM SPIRK'**. The man's pants were even stranger – one pants leg was gold, and the other was dark blue. Upon his head rested a sparkly crown, which displayed the letters K and S with a** /** through the middle. As if that weren't enough, the man's eyelids glittered silver and he had a few rhinestones at the edge of both eyes. If Kirk had to guess, he would've thought the man had come straight from a celebratory gay pride festival.

From his station, Spock watched the intruder. He discreetly ran a scan on his tricorder, wishing to determine if the being before them was alive, or just a projection. As the man moved toward Kirk, the Vulcan stood up and discreetly moved a bit closer to his captain, should his physical services be required.

"Jim, this being's life-signs register on our scanners," the Vulcan informed his captain. Kirk gave him a terse nod. So much for the hologram theory… Kirk sat up a little straighter in his chair as the man (alien?) began to address him.

"Hello, Captain Kirk. It's very good to meet you." The rainbow-man bowed. "And Mr. Spock as well. What an honor!" He nodded to the Vulcan. Kirk loudly cleared his throat, drawing the unidentified humanoid's attention back to him, and more importantly, away from Spock.

"I don't mean to be rude, Sir, but who the hell are you?" Kirk demanded, a hint of an accusation in his smooth, commanding voice.

"Why, I'm Spirky the Spunky Spirkmeister!" The man's mischievous eyes gleamed at the captain as he flung a handful of silver glitter into the air. As it floated back down, most of it landed on Sulu, who was not amused.

"Mister, ah, Spirkmeister – what do you want?" Kirk bluntly asked.

"It's not a matter of what _I _want, my good fellow," Spirky replied. "I've been sent here on a most important mission, which involves bringing happiness to two lonely souls who are secretly pining away for each other. After I gently steer them in the right direction, true love will conquer all!" He pranced around the bridge, performing a mini-ballet for the bridge crew, which included lots of pirouettes, grand jetes, and arabesques.

"Yeah, I'll bet," Kirk snorted as the man came to a halt in front of him. "Look, I don't need some clown like you messing around on my ship. You can't just randomly show up uninvited! Spock, am I right?"

"Indeed." The Vulcan backed up his captain. "Your presence on the bridge breaks at least ten Starfleet regulations."

"Yes, yes, of course it does," Spirky said, ever flippant as he eased himself down in one of the empty console chairs. "Don't worry - I will leave you in peace as soon as my mission is accomplished." The man grinned at Kirk, who frowned at him. Calling security or medical would be useless; even Spock wouldn't be able to subdue the man with a nerve pinch if he could vanish at will. What was he going to do? But before Kirk had the chance to act, someone else did.

"You should not be here, sair." Chekov bravely stood up, pulled out his phaser, and stunned the man. Or, at least he tried to. Before the beam hit the man, he disappeared in a flash of shimmery rainbow light but not before encasing Chekov in a rainbow tinted bubble. The panicked ensign floated over by Sulu, who tried his best to pop it. No luck. But Kirk had bigger problems than Russian bubble boy.

The Spirkmeister appeared five seconds later over by Spock's station, and tossed some gold glitter on the half-Vulcan. Then he patted Spock's cheek, causing the Vulcan to jerk away. The captain gritted his teeth – the alien was going too far. Who knew what he was truly capable of? There was no way was he going to take the chance that his good friend be hurt by the man's crazy whims.

Not only that, but he'd figured out where the phrase 'Team Spirk' came from - it was 'Spock' and 'Kirk' merged together. He winced inwardly, hoping Spock hadn't understood the insinuation. Unfortunately, the Vulcan tended to notice everything, and his intelligence was much higher than Kirk's. _Great._ Kirk was not looking forward to the awkward conversation with Spock that would surely follow Alpha shift. He _really_ wanted to kill this guy…

"I see you're someone to be reckoned with," Kirk acknowledged. "Why don't we go down to one of the conference rooms and talk this over?"

"That will be a start," the man agreed.

"Spock, you have the conn." Captain and commander exchanged a quick glance. Kirk knew that Spock was furious at him for taking the chance at being alone with this powerful alien, but really he didn't have much of a choice. If Kirk could keep the alien's attention on him, at least his crew wouldn't be harmed.

They took the turbolift down to Conference Room A, and had a seat at the briefing table.

"So here's the deal," said Spirky, his glittering smile almost blinding Kirk. "For my mission to be successful, I need to get you to confess your feelings to Commander Spock." Kirk disguised his surprise in to a cough.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me." The man beamed at the captain. "I know all about your affection for him – the tender moments shared in sickbay when one of you is recovering, the slow seductive chess games, the shirtless sparring matches…"

"That's enough," Kirk interrupted, his face flaming. "I don't know how you've been spying on me, but rest assured, it's going to stop."

"Irrelevant," said the man, waving his hand. "Captain, don't you want to hold the Vulcan in your arms and make sweet love to him, maybe even meld-"

"Of course I do," Kirk exploded. He rolled his eyes. _Duh._ Wanting Spock was as natural to him as breathing. "But Spock doesn't feel the same way. He just broke up with Lt. Uhura a month ago, and he told me he was finished with romantic liaisons. Some bullshit about relationships being illogical if the partners weren't compatible."

"Ah, but _you_ are compatible with him!" Spirky assured him. "I have it on good authority."

Kirk shook his head. _If only that were true…_

"Even if we were, Spock wouldn't want me. I've got way too much baggage…" He trailed off, nervously licking the side of his mouth. "I couldn't do that to him – he deserves better."

"Why don't you let him decide that for himself?" Spirky wondered. "As a hybrid, he too has a fair amount of, as you say, baggage."

"Yeah, but I can't take the chance that I'd lose his friendship." Kirk bit his lip, and looked away. "I'd rather have him in my life just as a friend than lose him completely."

Spirky scowled at the stubborn man.

"I guess I'm just going to have to do this the hard way."

Without warning, Kirk found himself whisked away from the conference room. Once his vision cleared – what was _up _with that rainbow light?- he found that he was in one of the turbolifts, the lights weren't functioning, and that Spock was with him. _Just perfect._

"Spock, are you okay?" Kirk fumbled around in the semi-darkness as he tried to stand.

"I am adequate. And yourself?"

"Fine." Jim assured him. After he examined their space, he concluded, "I think we're trapped here."

"The turbolift does not seem to be functioning correctly," the Vulcan agreed.

"Damn." Kirk swore. "Neither does my communicator. We'll have to try to open the top hatch."

Several failed escape attempts later, Kirk and Spock gave up on that idea.

"I suppose we must resign ourselves to face the inevitable," the Vulcan commented. "We will be stuck here for some time while engineering fixes the problem."

"Engineering doesn't have control over the ship right now – that alien does." Kirk reminded him.

"I see." Then Spock closely regarded his captain. "Jim, is there something of which you have yet to inform me?"

Kirk nodded wearily.

"I know how we can get out of here."

"By all means." Spock gestured to the control panel.

"No, not that way. The alien won't let us go until his mission is accomplished."

"What must we do?" His First asked. Kirk shivered. _Might as well get it over with._

"Spock, there's something I need to tell you, but I'm not sure how to do it because I'm afraid it will ruin our friendship."

"Nothing that you could say to me would cause our friendship to cease," Spock said softly. "What is it, Jim? Please tell me."

Kirk gazed up at his First, his eyes revealing his vulnerability. The tension between them flared.

"I don't know how it happened, because damn, I hated your guts at first for the _Kobayashi Maru_ thing, but then we became an unbeatable command team, and then good friends and after awhile I realized that I wanted more, much more. I actually desired a long-term commitment. Spock… I think I love you." Kirk said that last part in a whisper.

The Vulcan's eyebrows hit the ceiling.

"Indeed?"

"Yeah. I'm _really _sorry – I didn't mean for it to happen, but you can't choose these things, ya know? Whatever. I know you'd never like me back, so could we just move on and never speak of this again?" Kirk pleaded.

"Jim, your logic is atrocious." Spock stared at him.

"I know." Kirk looked down at his feet. Why was Spock making him feel worse? _Why?_ "If you don't want to continue our friendship, to be honest it will hurt but I'll understand."

"No, Jim." Spock stared at him with a mixture of affection and exasperation. "It is illogical that you believe I could never return your amorous feelings." What was Spock saying? For the first time, Kirk felt the stirrings of hope.

"Wait." His brow creased in confusion. "Do you?" He watched the Vulcan's lips curl up in a small smile. "No way," Kirk breathed.

"I have been romantically interested in you for some time now," the Vulcan confessed. "That is why I terminated my relationship with Lt. Uhura. I was enamored with you, and it was not fair to mislead her." He gave the human a knowing look.

The ball was in Jim's court now.

"Spock, I-" Kirk's words failed him. _I never knew._ _What fools we've been!_ He took a few tentative steps towards the Vulcan, and Spock met him halfway. Kirk was pulled into a crushing embrace, and then warm Vulcan lips closed over his. It was like coming home, and discovering his better half all at once! He was just beginning to lose himself in the Vulcan's heat when they were rudely interrupted.

"Mission accomplished!" Startled, they heard the man's voice and barely had time to jump apart before they were instantly transported onto the bridge. Chekov, thankfully, was rainbow bubble-free. He and the rest of the crew openly stared at their command team.

"Congratulations – Team Spirk is now a reality," Spirky announced. Kirk covered his eyes with his hands, and the tips of Spock's ears tinged green. But then something clicked in the captain's mind. The way the being had acted, interfering with personal lives, the 'magic' powers, the uppity attitude… it all fit!

"You're one of the Q," Kirk accused, pointing his finger at the intruder.

"It's true," said Q with a dramatic sigh. He disappeared, then reappeared in normal civilian clothing. All traces of his flamboyancy were gone. "I wondered how long it would take for you to identify my species."

"Starfleet has warned us of your kind," said Spock, jumping in to back up his t'hy'la. "You tamper with humanoid lives for sport."

"I suppose you want me to leave now," Q offered.

"That would be wise." Spock narrowed his eyes at the alien who was, in his opinion, standing too close to Kirk.

"Wait - there's just one thing I need to know before you leave," said Kirk, who discreetly reached for Spock's hand. The Vulcan was not one for PDA but the circumstances were quite unusual, so he reciprocated.

"Yes?" Q grinned at him.

"Who sent you?"

The 'Spirkmeister' shrugged.

"Some old Vulcan ambassador. He said it was vital that you two realize the potential of what you could be together, as lovers."

"Selek," Kirk breathed, glancing at Spock in surprise. "That old bastard." He grinned, shaking his head. "I should've known."

"He cheated," Spock protested. "Sending a Q to interfere with our lives is highly irregular."

"So? Spock, do you wish this had never happened?" Kirk's bright blue eyes lost some of their luster.

"Negative." Spock intertwined his two forefingers with Jim's. "I suppose I can excuse his breach of temporal law just this once. After all, without Selek's help, I never would have had you as my t'hy'la."

Kirk's smile returned in full force at that. As long as Spock was happy with him, he was content.

"Well, Captain, it has been an educational experience," said the man-formerly-known-as-Spirky-the-Spirkmeister. He gave a little wave. "Until next time." Q disappeared in a flash.

Kirk and Spock shared a knowing look.

"Next time?" Kirk squeaked.

Apparently this wouldn't be the last time the _Enterprise_ encountered the mysterious Q. But then Spock placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, and Kirk knew that he could handle anything that came his way – as long as Spock was by his side.

_The End_

_.~._

A/N: It was so good to write a crackfic! I hadn't done one of those in awhile. Don't worry, I'll have the next chapter of 'And Saavik Makes Three' up soon. \\/

P.S. Reviews are awesome!


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